Just because we’ve been a parent for too long doesn’t mean we don’t have a right to our lives, do we? I see parenting as constantly sharing your life with your family – your kids and your partner; as long as they are there and you’re here, the cycle of parental sharing and giving never really ends.
But what kind of parent can resist her kids? I personally would choose saving my kids than my partner if it ever comes to that. Those kids are my flesh and blood, I raised them with same flesh and blood, who could blame me then? However, I must admit that from the moment I gave birth to my firstborn, I have always felt that my life could never be entirely mine again.
A friend once told me to loosen up since she heard me ranting 2 hours nonstop about how lousy the job my daughter got considering her educational background. She told me that once my kids hit 20, I should let them fly on their own, with or without wings. Moreover, she pointed out that the more I show my kids how worried I am about their lives, the more they will feel insecure – something that I certainly did not teach my kids of!
Fast forward 10 years and I found myself still fussing about my kids’ lives: their careers, their partners, their kids, etc., anything that a mother can think of but of course, I learned to keep the bad bits to myself as I know it will only cause trouble between me and my kids but I must admit, there were times that I silently blame myself for not backing off. Like the time my daughter decided to go missing for months leaving me her 5 and 2 year olds; one moment I was nagging her about getting a job and putting her act together and that her kids are growing without a really good role model next thing I knew, there were kids knocking at my door begging to be let in. Fortunately, family and friends helped me get through those months caring for my grandkids. This should be a wake up call for me to finally reclaim my life and get on with it but apparently it was not, until I found myself living with my two adult kids. Again. At the same time.
It was hard, not knowing what our roles are and what am I supposed to be since evidently they are not kids anymore whom I can boss around and I am a really grown up woman living my own life – well, semi-own, if there’s such. Somehow I felt I’ve failed in raising them as things got frustrating for all of us during those months. There’s also guilt that I might have been unsupportive during their hard times.
One night, I sat them both down and laid down my cards. I told them I couldn’t do it anymore and it’s not really healthy for all of us to be sharing a roof when we all have our own lives to attend to. There should be limitations and they should respect it even if I don’t dare tell them at the moment. It is for them to observe.
While my kids are not the easiest to handle, I guess they love me that much enough to understand what I’m trying to say. They took my decision with love and respect and I must say, that was the only time they really started to grow as a person.