No luck -- There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which readily decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand, except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were trolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out tof the sand she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady said "what do you mean by that"... The first little old lady said " Look at that... when I was 20....I was curious about it. when I was 30.... I enjoyed it. when I was 40....I asked for it. when I was 50....I paid for it. when I was 60....I prayed for it. when I was 70....I forgot about it. And now that I am 80 the damn things are growing wild, and I am too old to squat.
Tennis Elbow -- One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant.......twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And...if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Face Lift - A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck.. The professor answered "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?" "I sure do", answered the redneck.. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.. "That's real good", the redneck responded in awe.. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!! "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae. This is incredible" !! The redneck is obviously catching on.. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.. "You're absolutely right ! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class." The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked
back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.. "So what classes are ya takin ?", the second redneck asked his friend.. "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.. "What in tarnation is logic ?", asked his friend.. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No," his friend replied.. "You're queer, ain't ya ?"
Some Notable Quotes:
- Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne
- Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal
- You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry
- According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno
- I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and don't want it. -Bill Cosby
- In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno
- We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler
- Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will
choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller
- There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno
- When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler
- There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield
- If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin
- Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard
- The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy
- See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams
- "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -Stephen Wright
- "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -Francois Morency
- On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -Rich Jeni
- "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Rich Jeni
- "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -Emo Philips
- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."-Lenny Clarke
- "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -Rich Jeni
- "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
-Kevin James
- "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."-Emo Philips
- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Rich Jeni
- "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -Emo Philips
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture .....of handcuffs.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Energy Efficiency -- While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor. Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would, I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? The girl replied, Oh my God, I would just love to do that. I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity." The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts!"
THE GOLDEN YEARS? Two elderly women were out driving in a large car --both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losin it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said "Oh SHIT, am I driving?"
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon,"he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?" She turns to him-looks him straight in the eyes and says- "I'll screw anybody - anytime - anywhere - your place - my place - it doesn't matter." He says - "No shit, what law firm do you work for?"
A preacher was visiting his favorite pair of old spinsters. While visiting with the ladies he could see something floating in a glass, sitting atop the piano across the room. Curiosity got the best of him, and at the first opportunity he got up and strolled over to the piano where he saw, to his surprise, that it was a condom floating there in the glass! "We found that walking in the park last summer," said the first woman. "The instructions said PLACE ON ORGAN TO PREVENT INFECTIOUS DISEASE." "Of course," said the other, "We don't have an organ, but we figured the piano would do, and do you know we haven't been sick all winter!"
The ladies of the city were appalled that there were prostitutes hawking their wares on the streets. So they insisted the city fathers pass a law prohibiting advertising to passerby's of their favors using verbal means. So this particular enterprising prostitute purchased herself a little dog that she named "tis". She put it on a leash and went out in the streets calling "Here tis," Here tis." There was nothing the city fathers could do about it.
A fairy tale for the assertive woman of the 90's. -- Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful
and happy doing so".
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
