A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his backpockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." -- thanks to HelenMarie Pieszak
Two seniors are standing in front of the Hotel Duluth when they see a
penguin walking by. Pat grabs it and asks Mike "what should I do with
him?" Mike says "Why don't you take him out to the zoo?". The next day
in front of the Hotel, Mike sees Pat walking with the penguin on a
leash. "I thought I told you to take him to the zoo" says Mike. " I
did" says Pat "and we had such a good time that tonight I think I'll
take him to the hockey game!" -- thanks to J. W. Wolfe
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil
engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was.
The ME pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system
and proudly stated that god must have been an ME. The EE said that was ok but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god
had to be an EE. The ME and the EE both looked at the Civil engineer who was
smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer" they said. "Of course" replied the CE. "Who else would run a sewer system through a major ecreational area"? -- thanks to HelenMarie Pieszak
The preacher's sermon was on the Ten Commandments. When he reached the
fourth, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," he noticed one of his parishioners, a
little man sitting in the front row, became very agitated. When the preacher
reached the seventh, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," the man suddenly
smiled and relaxed. After the service, the preacher approached the man and asked him the reason for his peculiar behavior. The man replied with an embarrassed smile, "When you talked about the Fourth Commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," I suddenly discovered my umbrella was missing. But when you said, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I'd left it." -- thanks to HelenMarie Pieszak
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and
Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do
it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done. -- thanks to HelenMarie Pieszak
Lady goes to see a Marriage Therapist about not having any active
sex life in her marriage. Therapist says.."We have come up with
this new drug in a cap. Here is 30 or them. Put one a night in your
husbands drink. Should do wonders for your sex life." Tells her to
come back in 30 days with the results.
Thirty days she is back. "So tell me" says the Therapist. "What
happened?" "Well" says the lady. "I did as you said and put one in his drink as you
had said." "Nothing happened. So for the next seven nights I put one in
his drink every night and still nothing happened. "So I opened the remaining
22 caps and put them in his drink." "You didn't" said the Therapist.
"Yes I did" said the Lady. "What in heavens name happened?" exclaimed the Therapist.
"Well, about 10 minutes after the drink, he jumped up and yelled
"WOW, I feel good." He takes the table cloth and whips it off the
table ...food, plates, wine all on the floor." He grabbed me and put
me on the table and made passionate love to me." It was the best
sex we have ever had."
"Why that is wonderful" exclaimed the Therapist. "I am so happy
for you." "But I am sorry about the mess and broken dishes of food
on the floor." "Oh that's OK" said the lady. "I don't think we will ever go to that
restaurant again." -- thanks to HelenMarie Pieszak
This farmer goes to the market (stock market) and there's a zebra there for sale cheap, so the farmer buys it and takes it to his farm. The zebra can't figure out what the farmer wants it for, so he askes various other animals what they are for. The turkey tells him that he'll be fattened up and used for Thanksgiving dinner. That doesn't sound too good to the zebra, so he asks the milk cow what she does. Well, the cow tells him she gets milked every day until she can't give milk anymore, then will go to the chopper for hamburger meat or dog food. That doesn't sound too good to the zebra either, so it asks the bull what he does, and the bull says, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you." -- that's an Austrailian joke.
Jesus was in His office one day, and His angel secretary came in and said "You know, you should get out into the world more so that people see more of you". Jesus thought about that, and decided it would be a good idea. So, He closed His office and went down to earth. As he was walking around and visiting the people, He came into a village and saw a carpenters shop, so he went in. There was an old man behind
the counter and Jesus stuck up a conversation with him. Jesus remarked that it was strange to see a carpenters shop in that small village.
The old man explained. He said "I had a son, but he left one day and never returned. I figured that if I opened this carpenters shop - one day he would return.
Jesus looked at the old man and said "Father?" The old man squinted at Jesus and asked "Pinochio?" -- thanks to Richard G. Fuller
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one. -- thanks to Al Bridgers
Two boys were sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office and got aquainted. The first boy said, "What are you here for?" The second boy replied, "I'm here to get circumcised." The first boy said, "Oh! man, I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year and half."
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor. -- thanks to Helen Marie Pieszak boxhill@concentric.net
Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones...
- The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...................... U. Gogh
- The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh
- The sister who wore a mini skirt and like to dance in bars ... Go Gogh
- The real obnoxious brother .................................... Please Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes ................................... Gotta Gogh
- The uncle who worked at a convenience store .................. Stop N Gogh
- His dizzy aunt ............................................... Verti Gogh
- The cousin that moved to Illinois ............................ Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle ................................... Wherediddy Gogh
- The cousin who lived in Mexico ............................... Amee Gogh
- Another cousin who lived in Mexico ........................... Grin Gogh
- Nephew that drove a stage coach ...........................Wells Far Gogh
- Uncle who was constipated .................................... Cant Gogh
- Aunt who was a good dancer .................................. Tan Gogh
--- thanks to Helen Marie Pieszak -- boxhill@concentric.net
There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy
with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." They guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. They guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." They guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says," You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?" -- thanks to Helen Marie Pieszak boxhill@concentric.net
MAKE WAY FOR THE NAVY
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
- #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.
- #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid
a collision.
- #1: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
- #2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- #1: THIS IS THE US AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE
WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- #2: This is a lighthouse............Your call.
What is more stupid than 2 men building a house in the middle of the
ocean? -- Two men putting in the foundation. thanks to Kathy Meyer kathy@ct.net
A man turned up for work on Monday with a big black eye. One of his co-workers ask him what happened? Well, he said.. I was on my way to a business meeting at the ( Old log Inn) when my car broke down. It was pitch dark out side, and Being in the middle of now where, I got out and started to walk. Sometime later I came upon a parked car, I could tell there was someone in it because it was swaying back and forth. So as I approached it, I knocked on the driver side of the window. A man stuck his head out and I ask him "How far is the old log inn" With that he punched me in the eye. -- thanks to Neva Dixon ndixon@nanosecond.com
A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but at about midnight the phone rings. The man rolls over and answers it.... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know.... I live in Phoenix" He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?" "Some idiot..... wanted to know if the coast was clear." - thanks to Helen Marie Pieszak boxhill@concentric.net
St. Peter had been busy all day, checking people into heaven and really
needed to use the restroom. Jesus came through as he and God often did and asked him how he was doing. St. Peter told him of his plight. "No problem Peter, just tell me what I need to do." "Well, Lord, all you need to do is ask them what they did in life and if they left any family behind." "Okay, Peter, take your time, I'll take it from here."
A few minutes later and old man came up to the desk. "What did you do in life," Jesus inquired. "I come from a long line of carpenters," the man replied. This took Jesus somewhat by surprise, "My father was a carpenter." "Did you have any family," Jesus continued. "Yes, just one son," the man replied. One son, "Did he have any Identifying marks?" "Yes, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus could contain himself no longer. "I know its you Dad," Jesus exclaimed, thinking God was playing another practical joke. The old man brightened "Pinocchio?" -- thanks to Helen Marie Pieszak boxhill@concentric.net
An old man lying on a bed in the kitchen was dying, his wife was baking.
He said,"Dear is that a raisen pie your baking?" she said "yes"-- He
said "Can I have a Piece?" She said "NO" -- it's for the wake. -- thanks to Gerry James gjames@sparky.inasec.ca
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street-she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said. "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing--the milkman dropped dead on the back porch." -- thanks to Damian Etzler.
Really enjoy the jokes and share them with a lot of people. It gives me my
laugh for the day. I am investigating other things just having got this
computor, which might be the death of me yet. It has a mind of its own and
won't listen to me. I am getting help though from Jim Legget. My joke is
I got on the Information Highway and couldn't find and exit. New people on
the comp. will appreciate that I guess. Thanks again for the Web site.
Norma Rekar, Klamath Falls, Oreg.
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on
the Faulkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots
search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at
the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison
watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back,
the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a
slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs." thanks to Ralph Worsham ralphw@sedona.net
Fred & Don had been really good friends - Don had died and was in heaven
just wandering around and came onto Fred. Don asked him what he had died of
- and Fred said hypothermia. Don said he had died of a heart attack. He
had suspected his wife of having an affair and was trying to get some proof.
He went home early one day and looked all over the house, trying to do it
without making his wife suspicious. He looked high and low and got so
worked up, he had a heart attack & died. Fred said, "If you had looked in
the freezer, we both might have lived." -- thanks to marilynm marilynm@oz.sunflower.org
Adam & Eve had been in the Garden of Eden for a month & Adam didn't seem to understand that one of his purposes there was for procreation. He
just wasn't catching on. So God appeared one day & suggested to Adam
that he go & give Eve a hug. Adam said "What's a hug?" God told him
to go & ask Eve & she would demonstrate it for him. Shortly Adam
returned with a smile on his face. In reply to God's query as to how
it was, he said that it was great. God then told Adam to go & give
Eve a kiss. Adam went through the same routing & this time returned
with a huge grin on his face volunteered that it was great. God thought
Adam was properly prepared now & told him to go & have sex with Eve.
In a very short time, Adam returned with a puzzled frown on his face.
God said "How was it?" Adam replied "What's a headache?" -- thanks to Charles Hawkins
A man had a dog that met him at the door every day when he came home. He came home one day, and the dog didn't meet him. He looked for the dog and he was curled up in the house. He nudged the dog, and said "let's go",
and the dog didn't move. He picked up the dog and carried him to the vet.
He told the vet "My dog is sick, can you help him"? The vet checked the
dog, and said "sorry your dog is dead." The man said "He can't be, check
him again." The vet checked him again and said "Sir your dog is
dead."The man said "Are you sure?" The vet walked into the other room.
When he came back he had a cat. He put the cat on the table. The cat
jumped onto the dogs back and dug in his nails. From there, the cat
jumped on the dogs head. He scratched the dogs nose. He bit the dogs ear.
He jumped down and walked away. The man said,"you're right my dog is
gone." The man asked the vet,"how much do I owe you?" The vet said
$545.00. The man said,"545.00? The vet replied,"Its $45.00 for the office
visit, and $500.00 for the cat scan." -- thanks to u1005567@warwick.net and to John K. Engen" M.-J.-Engen@worldnet.att.net -- the same joke came the same time
A woman goes to a doctor. The doctor tells her that she only has one month to live and that the bill will be $1000. The woman replies that there is no way that she will be able to pay the doctor's bill of $1000 before the end of the month. The doctor then replies, "Okay then, I'll give you six months to live." -- From Damian Etzler, Clovis,Ca
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but your're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." From Damian Etzler, Clovis,Ca
A gamekeeper and his wife, who also looked after the club's hunting lodge, had prepared a fancy lunch for its members. There was everything, including caviar, but as the local store was rather short, the gamekeeper had supplemented some shotgun pellets from a jar, which he kept on his desk. After the morning hunt, the members returned for the luncheon, which was a great success. - The next morning, however, the gamekeeper received a call from the chairman of the club, who asked: "What in the world was in that caviar we got yesterday, because when I dropped my collar button this morning and bent down to pick it up, I shot the cat. -- thanks to frode s. stringer.
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur." -- thanks to Mark Denson
It seems there was an old pirate living in the Black Flag Pirate Retirement Community who was being interviewed by the new, young house doctor. The old pirate was your typical pirate, peg leg, hook for a hand
and a patch over one eye. The young doctor was trying to get his medical history. "Well," says the pirate; "We was bombarding this Spanish fort when this cannonball hits me ship and blasts off me leg." "And the
hand?" asks the doctor. The pirate says, "I tell you sonny, we had boarded this fine ship and there was fighting going on all around." "This mate I was battling was pretty good and he made a lucky swipe with
his sword and took me hand clean off." "OK," said the doctor; "How about your eye?" "Well," said the pirate; "I was standing on the deck one day when a seagull flew down and pooped in me eye." "Wait a minute," said the young doctor. "Do you expect me to believe that you lost your eye because some bird pooped in it?" Well," said the old pirate; "It was the first day I got me new hook!" -- thanks to Phil Bondi - bondipr@pce.net
In the summers of 1940 the young ice man drove his pick-up truck up and down the streets looking at the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors of the residents who had ice boxes. The cards usually had 3 settings; 12
1/2 lbs, 25 lbs and 50 lbs......It was a poor time and two old sisters lived alone and sometimes would show their card for 12 1/2 lbs.....The young man knew theynever paid their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken pieces off his truck and tried to pack their small wooden ice box....One day, after he had packed their box one of the sisters stepped out on the backporch and asked to speak to the young man. She seemed very shy and embarrassed, saying,"young man my sister and I know you have helped us and knowing we could not pay. We have read in books that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favors.Since we have no money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself". The young feller tried to convince her that it was not necessary but after she insisted he finally said,"okay" and they proceeded. After he dressed he took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister. She looked at the bill for only a second and blurted,"Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we intend paying for it the same way"! -- thanks to Robert Shackelford
A very elderly and frail gentleman turned to his equally aged friend, Bob, and asked if he could remember the name of the stuff the army used to put in their cups of tea, during WW 1, to stop the soldiers getting randy in the trenches. His companion remembered the ingredient but couldn't remember what it was called. He asked, however, why his friend wanted to know. The answer was,'Well, you know Bob, I think it's started to work'. --
An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines." -- thanks to Virgina Young -- virginia@wtaccess.com.
The nurse explained to the old man in the hospital that the law requires that patients have an oportunity to make decisions about their own care. "Do you have any suggestions for ways we can make you more comfortable, Sir," she said. "Yes!" he said. "Pour a cup of gin down my feeding tube, destroy the little black book in my drawer, and call my malpractice attorney!" From Ruth Olsen
While sitting in the lounge at the retirement center Edna and Ethel were talking about the old times. Edna asked, "Ethel, when you and George were young did you have mutual orgasms?" Ethel thought awhile and responded seriously, "No, I think we had State Farm." -- thanks to Gould Dwight Hayden -- eyeman@mlode.com
And God created woman..... One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy". "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth." "She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great!", says Adam. "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Well ..., what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history. -- thanks to Art Rosenhahn art@xensei.com
Did you hear about the man who complained that there was too much sex and violence on his VCR? -- thanks to Don & Audrey Doyle
A catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything." -- thanks to Don & Audrey Doyle
A drunk was walking repeatedly around one light pole. A man came up and asked what he was doing. "I'm looking for my wallet that I lost." "Are you sure you lost it here?" asked the man. "No" replied the drunk, "but this is the only place where there is enough light to lookfor it." -- thanks to Don & Audrey Doyle
Mrs. Jones had twins and it was in the newspaper. A few weeks later she met an old friend in the store who asked "Tell me Mrs. Jones are they identical twins?" "Well" said Mrs. Jones, " The boy is but the girl isn't." -- thanks to Don & Audrey Doyle dadoyle@sierra.net
A reporter was interviewing people at a nursing home. He asked one lady "Do you think God has a name?" Without hesitation she answered "Of course, His name is Andy, you've heard the hymn Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me....." -- thanks to Thelma Fournier mothra@worldnet.att.net
Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?" Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with." -- thanks to Thelma Fournier
An older couple were talking about the past when the wife asked, "John, now tell me how many women have you made love to in your life?" John replied, "If I tell you, you'll get mad." "No I won't replied his wife." John, "I'm sure you will so I better not tell you." Wife, "John, I promise not to get mad but I would like to know." She kept it up until John said, "All right, I'll tell you but you better not get angry with me." Let me see now, first it was in high school with Elaine, then it was Francis, Marybelle, Shirley, my first wife, then you and then... (You know the rest of the story.)
My neighbour, who is 95 years old, asked me the other day: "When do you think I should stop saving for my old age". -- Thanks to frode s. Stringer
Pat and Mike died. Pat, being the good guy all his life went to Heaven and started playing the harp on cloud 9. Day after day he played the harp. Finally he said to St. Peter, "I know Mike went to hell because he was such a bad guy all his life. Can I go visit him for just a short visit?" St. Peter said "This is very unusual but I'll let you go just for a very short visit" Upon arrival in hell Pat found Mike sitting in a bar with a bottle of beer in his hand and a blond on his knee. "Wow, said Pat, you were so bad all your life and you end up like this and all I get to do is play a harp. This doesn't seem fair." "Well" said mike, "it's not as good as it seems. You see this beer bottle has a hole in it's bottom. And the blond doesn't!" -- Don Doyle
An older couple living in the country drove into town. She headed for the town store and asked to buy 10 yards of outing flannel to make a nitegown. The clerk asked her why she needed all of ten yards. She replied, "Paw has more fun hunting for it than when he finds it."
Here is a cute one I heard on the radio: Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "I am yours for super sex", she answers. He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup." -- thanks to Doug Bedell orangpel@goldrush.com
A woman was taking golf lessons from the pro at her country club. They were on the practice range working on tee shots when the pro stood behind the lady to show her what a proper swing felt like. Somehow the zipper on the front of his shorts got entangled with the zipper on the back of her shorts and they couldn’t get loose. She was embarrassed and upset, so he said he had some tools back at the pro shop that would solve the problem. He suggested that at the count of three they would both lead off with their left foot and try to walk in unison, unnoticed, back to the club house. Every thing was going as planned and they almost made it back when suddenly a huge COLLIE jumped out from behind a bush and threw a bucket of water on them. --- thanks to Gene Soutter oldgeno@worldnet.att.net
Clergy, a Jewish Rabii, a Catholic Priest and a Protestant minister, were all out fishing one day. After about an hour, the Rabii got up in the boat and said "Guys I have to get something to drink .. I'll be right back." At which point he stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to shore, up the bank, and into the cabin. A few minutes later he came out of the cabin, walked down the bank, back across the water and got back into the boat. The Protestant minister was flabberghasted, but decided to say nothing.
Pretty soon the Catholic priest stood up and said "Guys I'm a little hungry ... I'm going to get a snack." At which point he stepped out of the boat, walked across the water, up the bank, and into the cabin. A few minutes later he came out of the cabin, walked down the bank, and sure enough, walked back across the water and got back into the boat.
By this time the Baptist Minister was so shocked that he decided that he should do the same thing. He stood up and said "Guys I need to use the bathroom ... I'll be right back". At which point he stood up, stepped over the railing of the boat and into the water and sank like a rock.
The Rabii then looked at the priest and said "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?" --- Thanks to Mark Denson
Roy Rogers had just purchased a new set of boots. Going out one day to check on Trigger, Roy stepped in a pile of ... well suffice it to say that Dale told him to leave his boots outside on the porch until he could clean them up. Roy did so and went inside for dinner. In the meantime a cougar wandering around on the property spied the boots, grabbed them up in his mouth and headed for the wilderness. Roy, seeing his new boots heading for the hills, pulled on a pair of old boots, ran out and saddled up Trigger and headed for the hills to cut off the escape path of the cougar. Several hours later Roy returned, new boots in hand and the cougar stretched over the back of Trigger. Dale looking at the scene in front of her said "Pardon me Roy is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" -- thanks to Mark Denson. P.S.-- Question from webmaster: I don't get it -- could someone please explain? --- Clarification thanks to Vicki L. Hada" vhada@midusa.net Subject: "Pardon me Roy is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" Answer: "Pardon me boys. Is that the Chatanooga Choo-Choo?"
Re: the recent Roy Rogers joke: It scans better to say Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat WHO chewed your new shoes? rather than the cat THAT chewed.. If you sing it, it flows more smoothly to say cat WHO. -- thanks to Nell Campbell, Colquitt, GA ncampbel@surfsouth.com
Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies. Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can’t bend my knee and I can’t hear anything but thank God I can still drive." -- thanks to Gene Soutter oldgeno@worldnet.att.net
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. -- Joe E. Lewis
A man once spent many months searching out a particular Guru to tell him the meaning of life. He finally found him and was told the meaning of life was "Doing stuff". The man was pretty sore having spent so much time and money on his quest and demanded "What do you mean, Doing Stuff?" The Guru replied "As opposed to "Not Doing Stuff," which is the meaning of Death!" -- thanks to Gene Soutter, Dallas, TX.
Old couple sitting on porch one evening when wife suddenly slaps the man. "What was that for?" he said. "That was for 50 years of poor sex" she said. Things were quiet for awhile, then the man slaps her. "What was that for" she asked. "That was for you knowing it was poor," he said. --- thanks to Donna Jaynes donna@trader.com and the next 5 jokes.
Two old men sitting in rockers on front porch of rest home when a young lady walks by wearing mini skirt. Bill said, "Joe you see that?" Joe: "Yeah I do Bill, nice ain't it". Bill: rocking fast, "I would like to take her out, wine her and dine her and ----, (rocking slowing now) and ----Joe what's that other thing we used to do?
Old couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.
Hobo traveling thru countryside stops at widows house and does some chores in exchange for food. She invites him to spend the night as she would have more work for him to do next day. As they were preparing to get into the only bed she places a pillow in middle to keep the sides of bed seperated. Next day they were both working in the yard when a gust of wind blows her bonnet off and over a fence. Hobo says, "I'll get it for you mam". She says "Never mind, I will get it myself, if you can't climb over a pillow, there is no way you can climb over that fence."
DOG STORY -- A man enters a bar with his dog and says this is a very smart dog, he can talk. If you spot me a drink I will have him talk for you. Bartender gives him a drink and says, let's hear him. Man turns to dog and says what is on top of this building which keeps the rain out? the dog says ruf ruf. The guy says see he said it was a roof. But if you are not satisfied with that, give me another drink and I will have him answer another question. When he got next drink he says to the dog, who was the most famous baseball player of all time? Dog says ruf ruf. Man says see he said Babe Ruth. Bartender has bouncer throw man and dog out. Dog looks up at the man and says, "Should I have said Willie Mays?"
A dog walks into bar and requests a drink. Bartender refuses saying we don't serve dogs here. Dog demands his equal rights. Bartender pulls gun and shoots dog in foot. Months later after the dogs foot heals he returns to the bar wearing a gun and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw.
An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the pig ate happily. He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer have I got a good idea for you". The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time." The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Hell, mister, what’s time to a pig?" Thanks to Gene Soutter, Dallas, Texas
Farmer Brown and his wife went to the Dr. They told the Dr that Mr Brown worked in the field and when he felt sexy, he would leave his mules and plow and run to the house. But, by the time he got to the house he was out of the mood. They asked the Dr's advice. The Dr said? "Why don't you take your shotgun with you to the field. Then when you feel the urge, fire the shotgun and start running to the house. When the wife hears the gun, she should start running toward you. That way, you'll meet half way and everything should be alright. They left. A few weeks later the Dr saw Mr Brown in town and asked him how the idea worked out. Mr Brown said; "Fine until hunting season started and the wife ran herself to death." -- thanks to Monroe Davis in OKC. mdavis73135@worldnet.att.net
More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in an examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" -- Thanks to Anita Shaw.
There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?" The other, with a puzzled look, said,"I dunno", and reached up pulling out the object,then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!" Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid." -- Thanks to Anita Shaw.
Martha speaking with Sue advised that she was told Martha was getting married. Sue asked "Didn't she think she was a bit old to get married?" Martha said no. Sue asked but why? Did her new husband have great looks, Martha said no. Sue asked if he was well off financially? Martha said no. Sue asked if he was great in bed? Martha said no. Sue then asked why in the world would Martha marry the guy? Martha said "he can drive at night." -- Thanks to Glenn Wood glennon@computek.net
Husband and wife just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. The next morning while eating breakfast, the wife said to husband, honey my nipples still get hot after 50 years of marriage. Husband replies well honey no wonder you've got one in your coffee and the other in the oatmeal. -- thanks to C.F. Cameron Rod2261@pcl.net
Two nuns and a Mother Superior were killed in an auto accident. They approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "You'll each have to answer a question to enter." The first nun's question was how many commandments did God give Moses. When she answered ten a little chime tinkled, the gate swung open and the nun entered. The second nun as asked to name the Trinity. When she said the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit the little chime tinkled, the gate swung open and the nun entered. The Mother Superion was asked, "What was the first words Eve said to Adam?" The Mother Superior thought and thought. Sweat rolled down her brow. Finally she muttered, "Gee, that's a hard one." The little chime tinkled...- Al Bridgers.
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!" Thanks to Jim Kitchen
An elderly couple were having trouble with their sex life. The went to see the doctor, he gave them some pills, but warned them when the pills start to work they must have sex. In about two weeks the couple came back to the doctors' office, weighting 100 pounds each. The doctor asked them what happened. They told him they were in a super grocery store, the pills started to work in one of the iles of the store. Now the store manager will not let them back in the store to buy their groceries. -- thanks to Moe Odonnell odonnell@peganet.com
Did you hear about the 93 yr old gentleman that went into the Mustang Ranch in Nevada. The receptionet said " Oh! old man what do you want here?" He replied, " I just want to partake of the the services offered here." "Oh my old man," she replied, "You've had it!" "Oh" he replied, "In that case," reaching for his wallet, "How much do I owe you?" -- thanks to Don Doyle - dadoyle@sunset.net"@sierra.net
Two salesmen were traveling through northern Wisconsin one Feb. and it started to snow. Harder and harder till they came to a complete stop. One said "Hey there is a light on the hill. Must be a farm house, lets get up there and see if we can sleep in the barn rather than this cold car." After the widow lady answered the door bell and they explained their problem she said "Well gentlemen, you don't have to sleep in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here. Please come in and I will make some warm dinner for you." They did and then watched some TV and all went to bed. The next morning the roads had been cleared and they thanked the widow and left.
About 9 months later one salesman got a registered letter from the law offices of O'brian, Murphy, O'Donnal and Gilderstein in Madison Wisconsin. After he read the letter he immediately called his associate and said, "Hey Jim, do you remember when we got stuck in the snow last winter in Wisconsin?" Sure replied Jim. "Well, tell me something, did you by any chance sneak into the widows bedroom that night?" "Well!" replied the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. But why do you ask?""Tell me something else, first," he replied "did you by any chance use my name?" "Well," said the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. After all you are single and always sleeping around and I'm married and can't so I figured it was safer that way. Why? what happened? Why are you asking these questions?"
"Well" the first salesman said, "It seems she died and left me the farm!" -- thanks to Don Doyle
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly
alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied in a loud voice "A motel!" "No!" he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. "I just offered a drink", he said. She replied "Why should I go with you to a motel?"
"Oh forget it" he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought. About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; "Sir, I'm sorry to have embarassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research." He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, "SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS?" -- thanks to Don Doyle
An old couple who had been married for fifty years decide to have a second honeymoon. They went to the same town, rented the same room, ate in the same restaurant and then got ready for bed. The husband noticed that his wife took a pill one hour before retiring. When he inquired why she did, she said it was to make her feel younger. The husband gulped down the rest of the pills. In the morning the wife noticed that her husband was not in the room. She went to the lobby and then out in the street where he was sitting on a curb. To her query as to what he was doing he replied, "Waiting for the school bus."
The Pope died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked, "What would you like to do your Highness." The pope replied, "I would like to spend time in the Old Alexandria library and research the background of many of the messages I've been giving these many years." No problem said St. Peter. Two years went by and finally St. Peter looked it to see how the Pope was doing. He found the Pope rolling on the floor and screaming his head off. St. Peter asked what has caused all of this. The Pope replied, "The WORD is `Celebrate' NOT `Celibate.'"
Seems that senior citizens are afraid of 3 kind of AIDs -- rolaids, bandaids, and hearing aids.
One day 3 men showed up at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted the first man and asked what he had done while on earth. The man answered"I was a doctor. I helped a lot of people get well, I performed surgeries and saved many lives." St. Pete said "that's very good. Enter into the pearly gates>" And he did. The second man stepped forward and St. Pete asked him the same question, to which the man answered that he, too, was a doctor, a psychiatrist. He said "I helped many people with their problems, I even intervened with several people who wanted to commit suicide!" St Pete, again, said "that's very good. Enter into the pearly gates." When the third man approached, St. Pete said, "And I suppose you were a doctor too!" The man answered "As a matter of fact I was, only I was a very special doctor. I worked for an HMO and helped many people who had no one else to go to." St Pete again said, "that's very good. Enter into the pearly gates."..."But you only get to stay 3 days!" -- thanks to Evelyn Youngberg, Fremont, CA.
A rabbit, a turtle and a lizard were the only survivors when the plane, in which they were flying, crashed in a dessert. To sustain life, they agreed that they would have to grow some vegetables. They also realized that they would need some manure, and since the only one that could move relatively fast, the rabbit was sent out to get the fertilizer. - When after a long while the rabbit returned with a wheelbarrow full of the stuff, it found, that they had struck oil in its absence and built a large house . The rabbit knocked on the door and a butler answered. "I would like to see the turtle", said the rabbit. "Oh!", said the butler, "Mr Tur'tel is down at the well". - "Then I should like to see the lizard", said the rabbit. "I am sorry", said the butler, "but Mr Li'zard is out in the yard". -- "Well, well" said the rabbit, "then I shall just sit down and wait till you tell Mr. Tur'tel and Mr Li'zard that Mr Rab'bit is here with the shit". -- thanks to frode s. stringer
You're traveling in the South. There are three potatoes sitting on the curb. How do you tell which is the prostitute? The one that has the sign that says IDAHO. -- thanks to Al Bridgers
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" " suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed." -- Thanks to Wanda McCollough nell@pop.erols.com
Irish Potatoe and Idaho Potatoe had a daughter named Tater Tot. Tater Tot came home one day and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Her parents exclaimed,"Oh no! You can't marry Dan Rather. He is a "commen-tater". -- thanks to Anita Shaw
There was a psychiatrist and a proctologist with separate offices who decided they could save money if they set up an office together. They were trying to think up a name for their practice. One came up with the name "Rears and Queers". The other one said "no, some people object to the word queers". He said how about "Butts and Nuts". The other one said "no, some people don't like the word "butts". So they decided to call it "Odds and Ends". -- thanks to Anita Shaw
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT
- Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
- There would be a cure for stretch marks.
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
- All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
- Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
- Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
- Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
- Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
- They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
- Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
- Women would rule the world. -- thanks to Wanda McColough. nell@erols.com
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest? - Anita Shaw
BREWSTER THE ROOSTER --My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. Hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine cock he was - and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprize. -- thanks to Al Bridgers
A Senior went to see his Doctor for consultation over some lab tests. "I've got good news and bad news!" said the Doctor. "Give me the good news first!" said the Patient. "The good news is you only have 24 hours to live!" "Geeze!" said the Patient, "If that's the good news what's the bad news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday!!" said the Doctor. -- thanks to Jim Kitchen jkitchen@syix.com
A Senior Couple went to see a Doctor about loosing their interst in sex! The Doctor checked them over, gave them some erotic literature to look at, and put them in a spare examining room. When he looked in fifteen minutes later, they had rediscovered their lost interest. A week later, they were back with the same problem, the same treatment and the same results. When they came back a third time, the Doctor got suspicious, saying, "What's going on with you two!" Sheepishly, the fellow said, "We're not married! We live in a Senior Center where we don't have much privacy. It would probably cost us $30 for a motel room. You charge $20 for an office visit, and we get 80% back from MediCare!" -- thanks to Jim Kitchen
A mother asked her young son what he learned in Sunday school. He replied, "We learned all about Gladly the bear." She said, "I never heared of Gladly the bear." "Of course, you have," he said. "You sing about him in church all the time--'Gladly, the cross-eyed bear.'"
My grandfather taught me to read people and other animals by being aware of what I was feeling inside while observing the other person or animal closely. "It's mind-reading," he said. "You can read emotions, not thoughts. But considering how little most people think, you won't miss much." W. Gerald Fowler, M.D. daffdill@cei.net
A Senior Citizen went to see a Doctor with the complaint that he was unable to perform as a Husband. After a cursory examination, the Doctor asked how old he was? "Eighty five!" replied the Patient. "When did you first notice this problem?" asked the Doctor. "Last night, and it was the same way again this morning," said the Patient. -- Jim Kitchen (just retired)
A Newspaper Reporter was conducting a home interview on the occassion of a man's 100th Birthday. "What is your secret for a long life?" asked the Reporter. "Complete and total abstinence from alcohol," replied the Oldtimer. Suddenly, there was a commotion from the next room! "What was that?" asked the Reporter. "That's Dad, come home drunk again!" said the Oldtimer. -- Jim Kitchen
Three elderly English Gentlemen found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After several minutes of silence, one said: "Woods here; Brigadier; retired, married; two Sons; both Lawyers!" The second one said: Smyth here; Brigadier; retired; married; two Sons; both Doctors!" Then, the third one said: "Jones here; Sergeant; retired; never married; two Sons; both Brigadiers!" -- Jim Kitchen
Sadie wakes up and says to her husband, "Jake, I'm dead". Jake responds. What's the matter with you, Sadie, you aren't dead. You're talking to me." "No, Jake, I'm definitely dead". "Sadie, you are not dead. Why do you think you're dead" Sadie resonds, "Because nothing hurts." -- Bobbie Rivere
Two old friends are talking, and one says to the other. "Did you know that the second thing to go is your memory." His friend asks, "What's the first?" "I forgot."-- Bobbie Rivere
A woman is at the gynocologist's office. When he was finished examining her, the woman says, "Sonny, does your mother know what you do for a living?" -- Bobbie Rivere
Did you hear about the cannibal who had chronic indigestion? He got it from eating people he disagreed with.
Do you know what a hyprocrite is? It's a person who complains about the sex and violence on his VCR.
One day his friend said, "I think I was built upside down!" Why do you think that? "My nose runs and my
feet smell" Raymond J. Franz
A man in his sixtys goes to the Doctor. The Dr. Check him out and tells him everything was fine. The Doctor asked if he had any questions. The man stated he did. "I have been wondering about my penis. When I was 17 and it was hard I could not bend it." When I was in my 40's and it was hard I could bend it a little bit." Now that I am in my 60's and it gets hard I can bend the hell out of it." Doc tell me am I getting stronger. -- from havok@rmii.com
A very healthy, spry-looking 95-year-old man moves into a nursing home. He walks up to a frail looking man walking down the hall with a walker, and says: "How old do you think I am?" The man answers: "I'd say 60." "Nope, I'm 95!" the man boasts. Down the hall, he sees a woman in a room watching TV from a wheelchair & walks up to her and asks her to guess his age. Right away she unzips his fly & fondles him for a few minutes, then looks at him and says: "You're 95." The man looks at her incredulously and asks: "How did you know that?" She shrugs and says: "I heard you tell the fellow in the hall." -- Thanks to Chuck Dingee webmagic@pacificrim.net.
Martha complained that her husband, George, was just getting too old and listless. She suggested that he go to the doctor for a checkup and see if the doctor could give him something to pep him up. George went to the doctor and when he got home he was a different man. He chased his wife around the house and couldn't get her to bed often enough. Martha was worn out. She thought, "This is too good to be true. I'm going to the doctor and see if he can do something for me." George drove his wife to the doctor's office and waited while she went in to see the doctor. Martha said to the doctor, "What did you tell my husband. He is like a new man." The doctor said, "Well, I don't know. I gave him a checkup but I don't remember saying anything that would change him like that." She said, "Well, he's right out here in the waiting room. You ask him. George came into the office. The doctor said, "What did I say to you that gave you so much energy?" George said, "You said be cheerful. You have a hot mama!" The doctor said. "Oh, no! I said, be careful. You have a heart murmur!" Thanks to Ruth Olsen
Three old boy`s were sitting on the porch of the Senior home enjoying spring sun, when Eddie, swatting at a pesky fly says, Boys, "What is the farthest back you can remember?" Johnny replies, "I remember quite well the great depression." How about you Eddie, since you brought it up, asks Johnny. Eddie replies, "Well, I remember looking the Doctor in the eye when he whopped me when I was born." Now, Clyde, sitting there, stabbing at an ant with the tip of his cane,and taking this in says, "You boys can`t remember much can you!" The two boys in unison reply, "OK Clyde, Just how far back can you remember?" Clyde thinks for a few seconds, then proclaims, "I remember riding on a horse to the country dance in Montana with Dad, and then, going home with mom!" Thanks to Lewis R. Shull
Two drunks were arguing on the sidewalk. Another drunk came staggering down the sidewalk toward the two having words. One of the drunks stopped the man and said, "Say pal, my friend and I are having an argument and we want you to settle it for us. I say that light up in the sky is the moon and my friend says it is the sun. Who is right?" The lone drunk looked the two up and down for a minute and said,"How the hell should I know? I don't live around here!" --thanks to AL Bridges
Three fellows were shipwrecked on a tiny island. No food, no water, no shade - just sand and more sand. One fellow was Mexican, the second one was an Indian and the third one was from You-Know-where. The Indian was walking along the beach when he spotted a bottle floating. He waded out and got the bottle. When back on the beach he uncapped the bottle and a genie came out, The genie said, "I've been in that bottle for a hundred years. I appreciate you freeing me. So I will grant each of you one wish." So saying, he disappeared. The Mexican said, "I wish I was in Mexico City," And poof! He disappeared. The Indian said, "I wish I was in Calcutta." And poof! He disapperared, Now things were happening too fast for You-Know-Where. He really didn't know what was going on. He started walking up and down the beach. Finally he said, "Gee, it sure is lonesome around here! I wish my buddies were back." -- thanks to Al Bridges
An old maid was cooking supper when she noticed that her cat, Tom, was very busy in the corner. She investigated and Tom had a little mouse cornered and was playing with him by swatting him around. She made Tom go away so the mouse could escape. The mouse said, "I'm a magic mouse and because you have saved my life I will grant you three wishes." The old maid first wished to be young and beautiful. It happened instantly. Then she wished that Tom was a handsome young prince. The last wish was that Tom would love her forever. So Tom took her in his arms and told her how much he loved her. They went into the bedroom, undressed, and climbed into bed. The old maid snuggled up to Tom and said,"Oh,Tom, I'm so happy!" And Tom said, "Yeah, but I'll bet you would be even happier if you hadn't had me fixed!" -- thanks to Al Bridgers
Joe liked to play golf, but in his old age, he got where he couldn't see where his ball went. One of his buddies gave him a suggestion: "Take Bob with you; he doesn't like to play golf, but he has great eyesight." Good deal. Joe teed off on # 1, and immediately says: "Did you see it; did you see it?" "Yeah, saw it," replied Bob. "Where did it go; where did it go?" "I forgot," said Bob. -- thanks to Charles Hawkins, senior golfer .
Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces,
3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down. -- thanks to mary k williams
An elder gentleman was walking down the street when he saw a young lad about 8 or 9 who was crying so hard that he shook. Taking compasion, the elder gentleman bent over and patted the boy on the head - saying, "There, there what seems to be the problem?" The little lad raised his tear streaked face and blurted out, "I can't do the things the big boys do." And the elder gentleman sat down on the curb next to him and cried also. -- thanks to Lonnie A. Griner"
Woman of a certain age goes for her annual physical examination. She returns home and tells her husband that the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman. Her husband responds, "And what did he say about your big ass?" She replied quickly, "Your name never came up, dear." -- thanks to Cathy Coverdale clover@a.crl.com
Two elderly men sitting in a nursing home were confronted by a good looking young woman wearing a long coat. She stood in front of them, opened her coat to show her nude body, and said, "Super Sex anyone?" One old man said, "I'll have chicken noodle." - Wayne Keith
What is the best birth control method for senior citizens> Nudity! WKeith8250@aol.com
A man walks into a bar and orders two shots of whiskey. He tosses down one shot and pours the other one in his vest pocket. Did the same thing with the second round. When he ordered two shots the third time the bartender told him he had enough to drink and wouldn't serve him. The man flew into a rage and told the bartender he meant to have that drink and if he didn't get it he was coming over that bar and hit him so hard that his shirt would roll up his back like a window shade. When things had quieted down some a little pet mouse climbed up out of his vest pocked, shoook his fist at the bartender and said, "And that goes for your gol danged cat, too!" -- Al Bridgers
Seniors are worth a fortune. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and gallbladder, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomach. Lise Zaidi
The nice thing about being senile is -- you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Update on my life: I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps get me out of bed. Then I go to see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Zaidi zaidi@accent.net
Three preachers went to heaven. St.Peter interviewed them. Seemed that transportation was a status symbol in heaven and you were issued a vehicle according to how good you were down on earth. Preacher number one had slept with more than a dozen of his congregation so he was issued a bicycle. Number two had only slipped twice so he was issued a Ford. The third one had never slipped so he got a Rolls Royce. Sometime later the first two preachers were talking when they spotted the Rolls Royce across the street. So they strolled over for a chat. They found the preacher crying. "What's wrong?" they asked. The preacher said he had just seen his wife go by. "But that should make you happy." they said. "But she was on a skate board!" the preacher wailed. Al Bridgers abridger@ix.netcom.com
The minister came to see me the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the Hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do, all the time! No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself: now what am I here after?" Lise Zaidi, zaidi@accent.net
You show me a man that says he can do at 50 what he did at 25; and I'll show you a man that didn't do much at 25.--Marion Bush sent by Mari
An old gentleman was out walking one day when he spied a frog. The frog said kiss me and I turn into a beautiful princess. This really interested him so he picked up the frog and went on his way. Shortly after he met a friend and told him about what had happened. Well, said the friend why didn't you kiss the frog you crazy old coot? He answered, at my age I rather have a talking frog. -- Marcia Vogel marciev@sky.net
There were a couple of old gals in the local nursing home who were getting a little bored with the lack of excitement in their surroundings. They decided to liven things up and took their clothes off and walked through the local male gathering area in the buff. One of the men poked the other one and asked if he had seen what just went by. The other replied yep he had seen it and whatever it was it sure did need ironing. -- Helen Boyd
Old Joe was in the hospital, and he was on a strict diet. He could only have apple juice, which was in a glass beside his bed. - In comes a nurse with a tray with a bottle under a hanki . She leaves with the words "Whenever you are ready. I shall be back in a little while". When she had left, Joe took the bottle, removed the cork and pored in a little of the apple juice. He then replaced the cork and waited for the nurse to return. On her return she removed the hanki, looked at the bottle and commented: "My, my this looks a bit cloudy". - "Well", said old Joe, as he removed the cork, "then we better run it through again". by frode s stringer
George was living on the East Coast with his family when he got a message from God to go West. He packed up his wife and kids in a wagon pulled by his favorite mule. When he got to the Mississippi Valley they were hit by a tornado and lost most of their belongings. A little later his wife was killed in a flash flood. Then someone kidnapped his kids. But he kept on going West. When he and the mule arrived in Death Valley, the mule dropped dead. He threw himself down in the sand and hollered, "Why me God, why me?" The he heard God say, "George, something about you just pisses me off!"
A man was stranded on an island. Then a beautiful lady in a wet suit sprang up out of the water. She asked, "How long have you been here?" He said, "Several days." She said, "I suppose you would like a cigarette?" -- offering him one and he nodded. Then she said, "Would you like a drink?" and again he nodded. As she started to unzip her blouse she said, "I suppose you would like to play around?" He said, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs?"
An Expert: A fellow who knows 59 ways of making love but doesn't know any girls.
Two older couples were riding in a car. One of the men asked the other, "Been to any good restaurants lately?" The man said, "I'll tell you but first, what's the name of that sweet smelling flower with the thorns that you give on special occasions?" "You mean a rose," he replied. The man turned to his wife and said, "Rose, what was the great restaurant we went to the other day?" -- Robert Engelbardt bobengel@aloha.com
Pat, "You're not old, you've just entered your Metallic Age." Mari, "What is my Metallic Age?" Pat, "That's when you have gold in your teeth, silver in your hair, and lead in your tail." -- Mari mob@flashnet.com
My family was so poor they couldn't afford children. The lady next door had me. -- Al Bridgers abridger@ix.netcom.com>
Husband comes home from work. Wife says the TV has lost its color. How about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no TV technician, and gets a beer. Next day the wife says my car is skipping, how about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no Mr. Goodwrench, and got himself a beer. Things got a little frosty and the husband decided to check out the faulty TV and car. He could find nothing wrong. When asked, the wife said she had found a man who fixed both of them. "How much did it cost?" the husband said, "Oh I told him that I had no money but he said we could work it out. I could bake him a cake or we could have sex or something." "What kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband said. "Hey,", the wife said, I'm no Betty Crocker!" -- thanks to Al Bridgers abridger@ix.netcom.com
Man goes into a bar,sets his bag on the counter and takes out a tiny piano, a little stool and a tiny little man about a foot high. The fellow orders a beer and a shot glass. Pours the glass full of beer and gives it to the little man. The little man drinks his beer, sits down on the stool and began to play. He really tore that thang up. Everybody in the bar gathered around. The bartender asked the man where he got such an outfit. Man said: "The other day I was starting to cross the street when I noticed an old woman having a hard time fighting the traffic. So I helped her across the street". She said:"Thank you, young man. I'm a witch and I'm going to grant you one wish." Trouble was", the man said, "she was hard of hearing and she thought I said that I wanted a twelve inch pianist." -- Al Bridgers abridger@ix.netcom.com
This is one that's not so old. I'd never seen it before I picked it off the net. An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 80 years old and for the sixty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then the twing moved in next door and since then --WOW!" "How long has it been since your last confession ?" asks the priest. " I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish" " Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm TELLING everyone." -- Melvin Mednick melv@us.net
A 65 year old man had a physical checkup. The doctor said, "You are in better shape than any 65 year old patient I ever had. You should live a long time. How old was your father when he died?." The man said,"Who said he was dead? My father is 88 and works every day." Doctor, "Well how old was your grandfather when he died?" Man: "Who said he was dead? My grandfather is 110 years old and he just got married again last week." Doctor, "Tell me why any man would want to get married at that age." Man, "Who said he wanted to?" -- Al Bridgers abridger@ix.netcom.com
An elephant once escaped from a circus. It wandered around, and finally ended up in an old lady's garden. She looked out of the window and saw it. As she had never seen an elephant before, she was mystifed as to what it was. So she called the police. She told the police sergeant that there was a huge strange animal in her vegetable garden. The sergeant asked her to describe it. "Well", she said," It's big,and grey, and, and, and it has a tail at each end." "What's it doing right now?" asked the sergeant. "Well right now its ripping up cabbages with one of its tails.".. "What's it doing with the cabbages then?" asks the sergeant. "If I told you that.....you'd never believe me." -- thanks to John Gibbs
My father, who lived to be 87 years old, like to tell this joke during his entire life. This is probably the only reason I was unable to remember it. There was an OLD comic strip, called "Mutt and Jeff," and they are seen riding in an open box car on the old railroads. Mutt, "You know Jeff, I was just thinking. I wish I knew the exact spot where I would die." Jeff, "Why in the world would you want to know that?" Mutt, "Cause, I'd never go near the place." -- thanks to Don Cronkhite.
Three women of a certain age lived together in a big house. One day, as they were all sitting in the living room, the first woman said, "Well, I think I'll go upstairs and take a bath." She got to the bathroom, ran a tub of water, took off her clothes and said, "Oh, goodness. Was I just getting in the tub or am I just getting out?" Unable to decide, she just sat there, trying to puzzle it out.
Downstairs, the second woman said, "I'm worried about the length of time she's taking. I'd better just go upstairs and see if she's okay." She started up the stairs but got a little out of breath so paused to rest. After she had rested a bit, she looked around and said, "Oh dear, was I going up the stairs or going down?"
In the living room, the third woman shook her head and said, "I'm sure glad I'm not getting as senile as those two--knock on wood!" and she rapped on the arm of her wooden rocking chair. "Oh!" she said, "Is that somebody at the front door or the back door?" -- thanks for this joke Dee Churchill
The old man and his wife went to the doctor for their yearly checkup, and the doctor saw the old man first, and asked him how things were going. Fine, says the old man, except one thing.
When we have sex, the first time it is great. The second time I break out into a sweat, start shaking and don't know what's going on.
The doc gets the old man's wife into his office and tells her what her husband said. No wonder, she says. The first time is in January and the second time is in August.
What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots
In South Dakota, which has grasshoppers twice the size of your thumb, a man owned a bar just outside of Watertown. During the day he was seldom busy as the people were all working. He was standing behind the bar cleaning glasses, getting ready for the after work rush, when a grasshopper jumped up on the bar. The bartender looked down at the grasshopper and said, "Oh! Hi there little fella, we have a drink in here named after you." The grasshopper looked at the bartender and asked, "You have a drink named Oscar?"
Lydia Heston after being married to actor Charles Heston was asked, "Have your ever considered divorce?" She replied, "Divorce, never! Murder, Often!"
A man who had led an exemplary life on earth almost broke his nose on the Pearl Gates when they didn't swing wide for him. Saint Peter, standing aside said, "Just a minute. before you can enter, you must answer three questions." "O.K.," said the man, "What are they?'
"The first question," said St. Peter, "Is how many seconds are there in a year?" The man thought a moment and replied, "Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, ....." "Very good," said St. Peter. "Now tell me the two sequential days of the week beginning with the letter 'T'." Again, after some consideration, the man answered, "Today and tomorrow." "Alright. Now for the final question. "What is God's first name?" "No problem," answered the man, "Its Andy, -- Andy He walks with me, Andy He Talks with me ..." thanks to Al Firth .
This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex life lowered. The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old." The doctor said that's rediculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex life be lowered. It's all in your head. The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered." -- thanks to F Booher
A man goes into a bar once a week and orders 3 shots of whiskey set up. Finally, the bartender asks him, "Why do you come in once a week and order 3 shots. The man replied, "My brothers and I used to come in and toast each other and now they are gone and so I do it in their memory." One day he walked in and ordered only 2 shots. The bartender set them up, watched him drink them, and asked, "Why only 2 shots tonight?" The man replied, "I have decided to give up drinking!"
A women went to Italy to see a doctor who made it possible for women in their 60s to have babies. Of course, all of her friends loved the baby. One of her friends was moving away and made one last visit to this new mother to see the baby one more time. She was told the baby was asleep and probably would awaken soon. After a period of time and many requests to see the baby, chargrined the mother responed, "I have to wait for him to wake up and cry because I can't remember where I put him." -- sent from Barb Baxter
This 80 year old man wanted to marry a 21 year-old blond chick that wanted children. So he went to his doctor and asked if he was in good enough physical shape to father a child and what could he do to help with the costs. The doctor said he was in excellent shape and suggested he take in a boarder. The following year, he returned for his annual physical and the doctor asked him how the marriage was and if his wife was pregnant. "Yes," he said. Then the doctor asked if he had taken in a boarder and did this work out. "It worked out fine, but now she's pregnant too!" -- sent from Barb Baxter
There were two retired gentlement who lived in a retirement home and spent a lot of time together. They went out to eat, took walks to their broker's office and played golf. Then one gentlemen became quite "down" and the other couldn't manage to get him to talk about what was wrong. Finally, after many weeks of questioning he responded, "I'm so ashamed; would you believe I have VD at 88?'' His friend responded, "That's not so bad, I have IBM at 175." -- sent from Barb Baxter
Claudia and Henry. Claudia said, "You know what the problem with getting old is Henry?" Henry, "No, what's the problem?" Claudia, "What problem?" -- thanks to Adam Braddock
An old man sees a friend sitting on a park bench weeping. "How have things been with you Bob," he askes his older friend. "Great. I just married a beautiful young woman." "Wonderful! But then why are you crying?" Bob, "I can't remember where I live."
Adam was talking to God and God told him to go over to Eve and give her a big hug. Adam asked, "What's a hug?" On his return God asked Adam how it was and he said, "It was pretty nice." Then God told Adam to give Eve a kiss. On his return he told God that was even better. Then God told Adam he should have sex with Eve to procreate. On his return Adam asked God, "What's a headache?"
Aged husband and wife sitting on the front porch. Wife said, "I certainly would appreciate a vanilla ice cream cone." Husband: "I'll hobble right down to the drugstore and get you one dear." Wife: "Now, remember, I want vanilla. You always get chocolate. Write it down - Vanilla." Husband replied, "I can certainly remember vanilla. The store is only two blocks away." Husband comes back with a hamburger and hands it to his wife. She looks at it disgustedly. "I knew you'd forget the mustard," she said.
We were so poor when I was young that the only thing I got for Christmas was a bat. It bit me three times before it flew away
The nice thing about being senile -- you are always meeting new friends!
I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top.
Three ministers were together one day and the subject of: When does life begin came up. The youngest said, "Life begins at conception." Another said, "No, life begins at birth!" The old wise minister stated, "No life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog dies!" -- thanks Ron Klein rklein@iquest.net
