Older Jokes for Older Folks -- 1999 postings

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1998 postings

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One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..." ... Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.

A man sits at a cafe, enjoying an after work aperitif, when a gorgeous young woman walks in. He cannot take his eyes off her. The woman notices his attentive stare and walks directly toward him. Before he can apologize for staring, the woman says, "I will do anything for you, absolutely anything, for $100. There's only one condition. "What's that" asks the flabbergasted man. The woman says: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words". The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket and slowly counts out five $20 bills, which he presses into her hand. He looks deeply into her eyes as he says, "Paint my house".

Priests on Vacation -- Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said,"Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again.(They were glad mthey had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm sister Angela!"

THINGS MEN KNOW

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Tracy...
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

Moon walking -- Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil Armstrong... When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt the could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, Mom couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. She wondered if there was more going on than met the eye. John told her, "I know what you must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
A week later, the housekeeper told John, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" So John sent his mother a letter which read, "Dear Mother: I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that read, "Dear Son: I'm not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, nor am I saying you don't. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? " "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years.... when my husband was alive."

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths, " instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother!"

Seymour was a good and pious man. When he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked."I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

This 80 year old woman was in the grocery store and spotted this young grocery clerk who really turned her on. She asked if he would take her purchases out to her car. On the way she said to him, "I've an itchy pussy." He said, "Gosh! I've never seen a Japanise car like that."

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

An elderly couple were at home as the wife called out "So, when are you going to the doctor" "I told you, I'll go when I feel like going." After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the doctors office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarrassing, but I'd like to get a prescription for Viagra." "Not a problem," said the doctor, as he started writing out the prescription. The old man, however, interrupted him "Doc, I forgot to tell you I need each of the pills cut into four pieces." "I know they are expensive pills," said the doctor, "but you have to take the entire pill if you want it to work properly" "You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old and I haven't had sex in more than ten years. I only want it to stick out a little so when I pee, it doesn't get on my shoes."

Moose hunting - Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." thanks to Jack Mattis

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were out picnicing by a beautiful stream and suddenly the water looked so inviting that they decided to go swimming. Having no swimming gear with them they decided it was all right to go in the nude, so they stripped off and plunged in. After a while a group of women came by and opened up a picnic hamper of their own, blocking the men from their clothes. There was nothing to do but brazen it out, so the priest and minister covered their genitals, ran to their clothes and dressed. The rabbi, on the other hand, covered his face and walked to his clothes and dressed. Later, as they discussed the day's events, they asked the rabbi why he covered his face, rather than his privates. "Well," he answered,"I can't speak for your congregations, but my people would more easily recognize my face!" -- thanks to Bob Ries

Engineers vs. Managers -- A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length." - Jack Mattis

THE FIELD TRIP -- A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh--- riding 'Silver Arrow'. And I'm mighty obliged for the lift. Thanks!" -WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

HOW OLD AM I? -- A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants in ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought why not and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." - WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

CARE TO GUESS? -- Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a (wait for it ...):
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis." WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

THREE WORDS: -- A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?" - WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

THE QUARTERBACK FROM BOSNIA -- Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Detroit Lions team for '99. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away and ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers100 yards away-ka- blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph bulls-eye! Right into it. "I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Momma," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, Momma!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm among thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, in tears "I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit." - WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

TEACHING TECHNIQUES -- Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...." - WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

CHOCOLATE RULES & TIPS FOR 1999 --If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark and white chocolate, is this considered a balanced diet? Money talks. Chocolate sings! Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocolate Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get ONE thing done! WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"

Chinese messages:

"Crowded elevator smells different to midget".
"Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion."

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place. "Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant". He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Dead Redneck Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde." The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****. "
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Oral sex is when all you do is talk about it. thanks to CKnobbe460@aol.com

A man goes into Victoria Secret's to buy his wife a Valentine's day present. "I want something very shear," he asked. "This is a shear nighty and its $200." "Not shear enough" said the man. "This one is much shearer, but it costs $300," said the salesperson. "Not shear enough," said the man. "Well, this one is the most shear, and it is $500." "Perfect, I'll take it." The man goes home and presents the gift to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and model it. The wife does, and sees the sales slip which he inadvertently left in the package. She thinks, $500 for this? I'll wrap it up to return it and keep the $500 for something else, it's so shear, he'll never know the difference. So she takes all her clothes off except for high heels and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "How do you like it?" she askes. "Great," he answers, "but for $500 bucks you think they would at least iron it." -- thanks to HRosenwass@aol.com

"NOTHING IS BAD UNLESS IT'S GOO FOR SOMETHING", said the mother, worrying herself sick that her teenage daughter should come home pregnant, every time she when out with friends. When ske finally did, the mother said, "NOW I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE". frode s stringer

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a :state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with me.'"

Holmes and Watson -- Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

Sailor John is lying on his deathbed barely able to breathe. Just as he is about to expire, the aroma of freshly baked brownies comes to him. He has always had a passion for this confection and thinks to himself... "if Icould just have one more brownie I could die in peace!" He calls to his wife but his voice is so frail she cannot hear him. Not receiving an answer, he slides out of the bed and onto the floor. He draaaaags himself across the room and out into the hallway. Down the hall and down the stairs he goes ever so slowly, crawling hand over hand closer to that heavenly smell. At the bottom of the stairs he pulls himself along .... painfully.... painfully, clawing his way closer to that delicious aroma. He drags himself across the living room, across the dining room and finally pulls himself, through sheer determination of will, up into his chair at the dining table. In his increasingly weakened state, his arm trembles as he reaches across the table and grabs the tray of freshly baked brownies, feebly pulling the tray towards himself. In the process of being moved, the tray makes a scraping noise. Suddenly, he hears the shrill voice of his wife yelling from the kitchen, "John! Get your hands off the brownies. They're for the funeral !!!!"

Subject: 11th commandment -- Due to the recent problems at the White House, God has been forced to add another Commandment: "Thou Shalt Not Comfort Thy Rod With Thy Staff"

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

How To Impress A Woman:
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
isten to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
bring beer.

Men Are Like:

Men are like .....Placemats. --They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like....Mascara. -- They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like....Bike Helmets. -- Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Government bonds. -- They take so long to mature.
Men are like....Copiers. -- You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like....Lava Lamps. -- Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like....Bank accounts. -- Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....High heels -- They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like....Curling irons. -- They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like....Mini skirts. -- If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like....Handguns. -- Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot it

Driver Jokes

An old gentleman was driving on the freeway at his usual speed which was too slow. A highway patrolman pulled him over and said "I guess you know why I stopped you, sir." Sure do, the old gentleman said, "I was the only one you could catch!"

Technology for Country Folk:
LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keepin, an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin, the farwood off the truk. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin, the farwood. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin, to carry too much farwood. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. HARD DRIVE: Gettin, home in the winter time. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's black fly season. BYTE: Whut them dang flies do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all." RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'"

Super Bowl Fun -- A guy named Joe received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, and that he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe saw through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, Joe asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "No." Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquired of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants Ladies Room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There, next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake sooooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He careful pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Ah ha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button... When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the 'Automatic Tampon Removal Button." "By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

Miss Bee was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this" (pointing to the bowl)
"Oh yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Michael Jordan's Legacy -- Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game:

$10,000 a minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making $178,100 a day, working or not.
Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.
If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with no popcorn), but he made $18,550 while he was there.
If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it was boiling.
He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.
He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of 'Friends.'
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (90,000), it would take him a whole12 hours.
If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.
He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.
Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
Translation: Nerds Rule! -- thanks to Jack Mattis jmattis@starplus.com

Texas in Heaven -- A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags." Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out." -- thanks to Jack Mattis jmattis@starplus.com

Got Milk? The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

No need to boil.
Cats can't steal it.
Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers. -- thanks to Jack Mattis jmattis@starplus.com

Predictions for 1999 and 2000:

Monica Lewinski will be in great demand for endorsing products for oral hygiene;
Clinton and Vernon Jordan will form a syndicate to develop a theme park to be called "Wonderland", with a huge fun house as the main attraction;
Kenneth Starr will be sued by William Bennett for patent infringement,citing his implacable pursuit of virtue;
Linda Tripp will form a recording company called "IMU", marketing talking books. Larry Flynt will be one of her suppliers and Lucianne Goldberg will manage distribution in plain brown wrappers; -- thanks to Bob Ries bries@winfinity.com

One day I met Jimmy duranty who was famouse for singing yes we have no banana's. I asked him if he had any Wrigley Spearment chewing gum ha cha cha . And he replyed "NO but I do have some Fenament po po pa do". -- thanks to Maurice Mann mann2@fds.net

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits. Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land." -- thanks to Jack Mattis jmattis@starplus.com

WHAT DID THE DOC SAY? -- A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. - WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

A REDNECK LUNCH An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

OWE IT ALL TO MAMA: Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES:

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia..... U.Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes..... Hue Gogh
The really obnoxious brother.....Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..... Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store..... Stop N. Goh
His dizzy aunt..... Verti Gogh
His domineering aunt..... Vira Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois..... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..... Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico..... Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative..... Grin Gogh
The great grandfather who drove a stage coach..... Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle..... Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing..... Tan Gogh
His ornighologist uncle..... Flamin Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyst..... E. Gogh
His cousin, an importer of tropical fruits..... Mang Gogh
His aunt who taught the power of positive thinking..... Way to Gogh
His bouncy young nephew..... Poe Gogh
The disco-loving sister..... Go Gogh
The wayward nephew..... Gogh Figure
And his niece, who is still travelling the U.S. in a van..... Winnie Bay Gogh -- thanks to WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

HILLARY & CHELSEA..... When Chelsea Clinton returned home to the White House during semester break, Hillary took her aside to ask how she was doing in school. "I'm doing just fine Mom" Chelsea answered. She asked if she was completing her studies, if she was comfortable where she was staying, and if she enjoyed Stanford? Chelsea answered yes to all. Hillary asked if she was seeing any boys, and Chelsea answered that she had been on a few dates. After a little hemming and hawing, Hilary finally asked if she was..... you know.....having sex?? Chelsea smiled and answered "not according to Dad". -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

BEWARE OF DOG! Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." --WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

Pierre Le Blanc, France's greatest aerial ace of WWII, had just been feasted, toasted and lionized upon his return to Paris. "Now," said his host, "is there anything else we can do for you?" "Mais oui," said Pierre, "Bring me a beautiful woman--here." A beautiful, nubile and compliant young woman was brought to Pierre. "Take off your clothes and lie down on zee table on your back." ordered the great hero. She did as she was told and Pierre asked for a bottle of brandy. Opening the bottle, Pierre poured the brandy over the girl's lower body, struck a match and set her afire.
"Now," he cried, "when Pierre goes down, Pierre GOES DOWN IN FLAMES!" Later, when Pierre was touring the globe on a lecture tour, he found himself in Middle America, where he addressed a Ladies' Horticultural and Sunday Evening Self Improvement Club. Using his hands as airplanes, he described some of his most harrowing victories. "--And zere I was, flying peacefully at fifteen sousand feet, when three Bosch Fokairs came at me out of zee sun! So I---" "Pardon me Mesoor," said of the ladies, "but I thought Fokkers were World War I aircraft." "Oui, so zey were." said Pierre, "But ZEES Fokairs were Messerschmidts!!" --- thanks to Bob Ries bries@winfinity.com

Nursing Home -- Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and wheelchair bound. Every right, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old." "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math, books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room,closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

Pubcrawling -- A man's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."