Here we will post one-liners, bumper stickers, and other words to think about
He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. - Poofcat@aol.com
The lights are on but someone's been playing with the dimmer switch. -- Poofcat@aol.com
Church Bulletin errors -- On Thursday evenings the Minister will offer a series of sex lessons for
new members. -- Bill Ryan
"San Francisco my favorite city, where the women are strong
and men are pretty" -- Jan Jacobs
Bumper Stickers:
Horn broken; watch for finger.
Help wanted: telepath - you know where to apply.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind - back in 5 minutes.
Keep honking; I'm reloading.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Submitted by GMcDon2000@AOL.com
Points to Ponder
1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
13. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone
just move 10 miles away?
You Are Getting Old! -- (thanks to Charles Hall -- Warning : Old age aint far away! You know you are over the hill when:
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You're setting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you
cross your legs.
Your underware starts creeping up on you--and you enjoy it.
You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a
circle & start singing "Kumbaya"
Someone compliments you on your layered look --and you are wearing a
bikini.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
Your insurance company has started sending their free clendars -- a month
at a time.
At cafeterias, you complain that the jello is too tough.
One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot-water bottle.
It takes a couple of trys to get over a speed bump.
You notice that you are using words like "whippersnapper","scalawag" and
"by-cracky".
Your social security number only has three digits.
The waiter ask how you'd like your steak and you reply,"Pureed."
At parties you attend, the prime topic of choice is "regularity."
You realize that a stamp costs more than movie(picture show) did when you
were a kid.
You're asleep, but others think you are dead.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You think the Weather channel's just the neatest thing.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Lawn care has become a big thing in your life.
You find your self singing along with elevator music.
Your'e on a game show and decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You believe that 8 miles a hour is fast enough for anyone to drive.
You refer to your child's new $2500 stereeo system as "the record
player."
Your ears have more hair than your head.
How old would you think you were if you didn't know how old you are?
I wish I was what I was when I wished I was what I am now
Consistency is the final refuge of the unimaginative
The only truly consistent people are dead
If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience
What's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?
thanks to Ray Prince rprince@ozemail.com.au
A rich Saudi prince, driving a rolls royce down the main street of Jeddah had
a bumper sticker that read: As a matter of fact, I do own the road. thanks to Jim Thompson Jthomp5151@aol.com
What is the most famous and popular "rock" group of all time? Ans. Mount Rushmore. -- thanks to KernelW kernelw@aol.com
Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. - thanks to Jim Brooks jbbro@midusa.net
If you throw your cat out of the car window, is that considered kitty litter? -thanks to Bill Bramell odiebill@webtv.net
Eat a beaver, save a tree -- Downs@prodigy.net
Eat lamb, 20,000 wolves can't be wrong. -- Downs@prodigy.net
Politicians and diapers should be changed often, for the same reason! -- W.B. Saylor wsaylor@aeneas.net
Bumpersticker -- Will Rogers Never Met CLINTON -- Bob Farley rfarley@warwick.net
It's called "golf" because all the other four-letter words were taken! -- thanks to Diane Anderson dander@qni.com
A woman is like a teabag: you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. -- thanks to Jean Andrews snowie@webtv.net
Bumper sticker: "remain.com" -- John Warner warnerjm@bellatlantic.net
Bumperstickers -- My child can beat up your honors student.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't...so damnit I will! -- Thanks to Armando Nava" navadad@anacapa.net
After all is said and done, more is said than done. -- thanks to Diane Anderson dander@qni.com
Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. -- thanks to
William J. Macintosh bj.macintosh@ns.sympatico.ca
Bumpersticker -- Accountants don't die they just lose there balance. -- thanks to Roy Donovan" treeman@sockets.net
When God created man, SHE was just foolin' around!-- thanks to
Martha C. Hoffman"
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. - thanks to Jim Schermerhorn" jamesr@elkgrove.net
Jack and Jill went up the hill, each had a buck and a quarter. Jill
came down with two and a half. Do you think they went up after water? - Thanks to Al Moore almor@probe.net
Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow. Thanks to Al Moore
Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capitol
crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.Thanks to Al Moore
When God created man, SHE was just foolin' around! -- thanks to Martha C. Hoffman - marthah@infoline.net Martha would like to know if anyone has a copy of the Cremation of Sam Mc Gee? Send to Webmaster and I will post it.
From osnic osnic@sprintmail.com
I are a college student
Have you hugged your computer today?
Make a mistake today? Don't feel badly...Remember that Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.
My Boss was a Jewish Carpenter
Ayuh, been to Maine
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If at first you don't succeed....the hell with it.
Anudder brilyunt mind diztroyed by da publik educashun sistum.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I will never die.
You're only young once - but you can be immature forever.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
A philospher always knows what to do until it happens to him.
I may be an Oldie -- but I'm a Goodie.
I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Unless you're the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Young at heart -- slightly older in other places.
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
I know it all -- I just can't remember it all at once.
Life is what happens to you while your making other plans.
If things get better with age, then I'm approaching -- "Magnificent."
Things to Keep in Mind -- sent by HelenMarie boxhill@concentric.net
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Actual Bumperstickers -- thanks to Tina Kirk-Frank -- tinakf@cgs.auburn.edu
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
There are 2 great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know. ---
