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  • The Wisdom of Will Rogers
    • Don't squat with your spurs on.
    • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
    • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
    • If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
    • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
    • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.......The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
    • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
    • There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
    • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
    • Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
    • It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
    • Always drink upstream from the herd.
    • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
    • When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
    • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
    • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    • There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading.The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

      • From: Frank Noble Swartz Creek, Michigan -- Here is my collection of quotations----some of which go back to my Mother:

        • Only dead fish swim with the current.
        • I never cease to be dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe.
        • Never scald your tongue on another man's soup.
        • The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant: the population is increasing.
        • Integrity is not a conditional word.
        • Wisdom is not vicarious.
        • The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
        • Every man has a scheme that will not work.
        • Never negotiate with anyone who has less authority than you.
        • Celebacy is not hereditary.
        • A clear conscience never fixed anything.
        • Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
        • Only the dead get a full pardon.
        • If you lay down with hounds, you're gonna get up with fleas.
        • A compliment is sometimes better than the truth.
        • A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you company.
        • Those who do not understand their mistakes are condemned to repeat them.
        • Behold the turtle who makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
        • Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
        • An alcoholic is somebody you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
        • You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.
        • Happiness is a highway, not a destination.
        • He that always gives way to others will end in having no principles of his own.
        • Silence is the perfect expression of scorn.
        • A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
        • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
        • People who have no vices have very few virtues.
        • Even an honest man gets tempted when faced with an idiot.
        • Pain hurts.
        • The secret of growing old is having lots of experience you can no longer use.
        • Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
        • Silence is the best reply to the ignorant.
        • The real enjoyment of fine wine is in knowing when you have had enough.
        • A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
        • An optimist is a person who never had much experience.
        • Though the mills of the gods grind slowly, they grind exceedingly fine.
        • The harder you work, the luckier you get.
        • Denial is more than just a river in Egypt.
        • If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
        • Logic is any line of reasoning that proves you are right.
        • If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
        • It is better to be approximately right than precisely wrong.
        • The trouble with lawyer jokes is lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
        • The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
        • Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
        • Life is like pedaling a bicycle; you won't fall off unless you stop pedaling.
        • If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
        • Indolence is the mother of poverty.
        • Yield to temptation----it may not pass your way again.
        • May I always be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
        • Justice is when the decision is in your favor.
        • Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
        • Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.
        • Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.
        • Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
        • The key to failure is trying to please everybody.
        • A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
        • I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
        • The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
        • If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters.
        • Old age comes at a bad time.
        • Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
        • You can't fool all the people all the time, you need only a majority.
        • I always wanted to be somebody, but now I see I should have been more specific.
        • I have no time for patience.
        • Life is a banquet, and most poor fools are starving to death.
        • Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
        • Mistakes are the price we pay for living a full life.
        • A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory.
        • I may have my faults, but being wrong is not one of them.
        • TVs need a knob to turn up the intelligence; the one marked brightness doesn't work.
        • Love is like a mushroom. You never know if it's the real thing until it's too late.
        • Don't mistake personality for character.
        • I've learned that it's easier to stay out of trouble than to get out of trouble.
        • Compromise is the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes that he or she got the biggest piece.
        • Gambling is a method of getting nothing out of something.
        • It is harder to conceal ignorance than to acquire knowledge.
        • No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
        • Most men hope their lean years are behind them; women hope theirs are ahead.
        • Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.
        • A sure sign of bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't help you.
        • Morality, like art, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
        • People grow old by deserting their ideals.
        • Swallowing angry words is much easier than having to eat them.
        • Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
        • It is those who have tried it most frequently who are convinced that marriage is a failure.
        • Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
        • Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones.
        • Middle age is when you have a choice of two temptations and choose the one that will get you home earlier.
        • Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
        • If you get caught with your pants down, pull'em up, and lie about it.
        • Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.
        • Blessed are the incumbents, for they shall inherit their own mess.
        • You can't make a long jump without getting sand in your shorts.
        • Broadmindedness enables you to see both sides of a problem------- but not necessarily the solution.
        • Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent.
        • A monkey in silk clothing is still a monkey.
        • We are all of the same clay, but a jug is not a vase.
        • Absolute certainty is the greatest illusion of all.
        • If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.
        • Ignorance is no excuse----it's the real thing.
        • Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.
        • The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
        • Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.
        • Knowledge is power.
        • Opportunity makes a thief.
        • The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
        • Variety is the soul of pleasure.
        • Smoking is a dying habit.
        • Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.
        • Imagination is a poor substitute for experience.
        • Man's most valuable trait is a judicious sense of what not to believe.
        • A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
        • The scalded cat fears even cold water.
        • That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember.
        • There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
        • Mastery often passes for egotism.
        • Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
        • Hunger is not debatable.
        • Some people pay a compliment like they expected a receipt.
        • Idleness is the one fault that we excuse most easily.
        • Hypocrisy is a tribute which vice pays to virtue.
        • Weak people cannot be sincere.
        • Experience is the worse teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
        • You only live once---but if you work it right, once is enough.
        • A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
        • Fat is a feminist issue.
        • The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.
        • Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a failure.
        • No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
        • Brevity is the soul of wit.
        • Love is like a cigar. If it goes out, you can light it again but it never tastes quite the same.
        • Every pancake has two sides.
        • Beauty without grace is the hook without bait.
        • A woman is like a teabag----you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
        • I soupport publik edjukashun.
        • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
        • If you shoot for the moon and miss, you're still among the stars.
        • Lorena Bobbitt for White House Intern

      • Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. -George Burns

      • "We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails" -- sent by HelenMarie

      • "Life is hard by the yard, but by the inch its a cinch" -- sent by HelenMarie

      • "Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force." -- Dorothy Sayers

      • Life is like a dogsled team...unless you are the lead dog, the scenery never changes - thanks to Phillip Dexter Hudgins - satch@csra.net

      • I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. -- Henry Youngman

      • You wouldn't worry so much about what others think about you if you knew how seldom they did. -- thanks to Don & Audrey Doyle dadoyle@sierra.net

      • Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. -- Will Rogers

      • Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. -- William Shakespeare

      • You really know you're getting old when you bend over to tie your shoes, and you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

      • Old men like to give good advice in order to console themselves for not being any longer able to set bad examples. -- La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

      • You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. -- Bob Hope

      • George Townson, author of Autogiro, model builder and historian explains that with advancing age he "only remembers the important things...whatever they were." -- thanks to Jim Kitchen jkitchen@syix.com

      • Herb Weiss is trying to simplify life by disposing of old stuff. As he put it: "You can't take it with you--but that's no excuse for leaving it in a mess." -- thanks to Jim Kitchen

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