Tips on Visiting Someone
In a Nursing Home

With all of these feelings you might agree experiencing the need for human interaction is important. Ties with old friends and new friends become important in helping you adjust to this new phase of your life.

Hypothetical? No, these are real feelings experienced by real nursing home residents. You, as family member or friend, can help. You may say to yourself, "but I'm uncomfortable visiting a nursing home." People use a variety of reasons for not becoming involved, but ask yourself how well these reasons or excuses hold up.

Excuse #1: I'm repulsed by what I see in the nursing home.

This is the reaction of many people, even relatives who have cared for their loved one at home. The problem lies in the concentration or numbers of older people who have suffered some degree of physical or mental disability. Frequently, the sight of so many disabled, dependent, and older individuals is disturbing.

Try to look beyond physical appearances. Think of each of these residents as interesting individuals who have experienced much in life. Each person has a unique personality that is not dependent upon physical appearance. You may be bothered by those who appear to be confused or disoriented. These people often can be reached simply by gently holding their hands and looking into their eyes. It may take time, but it may work.

Excuse #2: I'm afraid to go into a nursing home because it reminds me that I may need one some day.

This response is normal, especially if you are at midlife or beyond. The surest way to overcome this fear is to become familiar with a nursing home and the needs of the residents it serves.

Nursing homes provide support services including medical care, rehabilitation, food, shelter, companionship, recreation, and social activities. These support services help residents function at their highest possible level. This is a positive philosophy.

Inadequate knowledge produces fear, and that fear can be overcome only by more knowledge or information. In this case, knowledge about nursing homes and the residents in them gives one a new perspective on aging.

Excuse #3: When I visit Mother, she complains the whole time.

This is a complicated issue. Your relationship is longstanding and you are meeting under stressful conditions. You must listen, evaluate, explain, and limit the time spent on complaints.

Listen. Listen very carefully to the complaint or complaints.

Evaluate. If everything is wrong, then the resident probably is still adjusting to the nursing home. He or she continues to feel alienated and uncomfortable in new surroundings. If there are specific complaints, listen carefully and try to discern the truth. You may want to talk to the appropriate staff on the floor, who may not be aware of the resident's concerns. Often, misunderstandings can be cleared up easily.

Explain. When you have reached a conclusion about a solution for the complaint, be sure the resident understands the explanation. You may have to explain more than once. Limit. Finally, for the chronic complainer who is never satisfied, set a limit to the complaint time. We all need to vent our feelings and emotions. Then turn to something specific such as letter writing, playing games, looking at old pictures, or visiting another resident.

A resident in a nursing home has few opportunities to make decisions affecting his or her life. For instance, meals are served at specific times, not necessarily when the resident is hungry or used to eating. Fire rules prohibit the resident from arranging the bed in certain ways in the room. Things you take for granted are removed from a resident's control.

Control over one's life is important for positive self-esteem. Visiting is an area over which the resident can maintain control. The following rules of etiquette will enhance the resident's self-esteem and help in retaining control over at least some parts of life.

When to Visit

In addition, he or she can look forward to your arranged visit, which extends the pleasure. The resident looks forward to your coming and has the fun of the actual visit. But he or she may decide not to have you visit and you must respect that decision.

Most nursing homes have specified visiting hours. Usually you may visit anytime during a 10-12 hour period. A few homes have no limits on visiting. You must use good judgment and try not to visit when you may interfere with treatments or rest.

If the visiting hours are specified and your schedule does not permit you to visit during those hours, work out an alternative schedule with your family member and the director of nurses, the social worker, or the administrator.

Some homes encourage relatives and friends to join residents at mealtimes. Residents often enjoy having a guest. You should expect to pay a fee for your meal.

One word of caution about visiting is important. There is a tendency to "promise a rose garden" and then be unable to deliver. Do not promise to visit and then not come. That is cruel and the resident feels doubly deserted. If you cannot keep an appointment, call in advance and immediately suggest a substitute time.

When you and your relative are planning your visiting times together, look over your schedule carefully and realistically. Decide how much time you can spend each day, week, or month. Realistic planning avoids disappointment for the resident and feelings of guilt or anger for you.

Who Should Visit?

If you cannot provide such support, a staff member may be more than willing to support a young adult during the first few visits. The resident is usually the best teacher of all, often putting everyone at ease with a humorous comment.

Preparing a Child for a Visit

Many times, children are afraid of what's behind those doors because you often contribute to the child's fear. Children should feel free to ask any questions about the nursing home. Answer them, because when you don't answer a child's questions, that's when they think you're trying to hide something from them.

Preparing for the Visit

If out of bed and alert, the individual might like to go outdoors or to another part of the nursing home. On the other hand, a private visit reminiscing or helping you make some decisions about something in your life may be preferred.

Remember, this is an individual who has lived a long time and whose wisdom is valuable. Read a story together or write letters. Concentrate on the quality of your visit. A visit should be pleasant and a break in a somewhat routine existence.

Conjugal visits are important. Two people who have lived together for years are entitled to private visits without intrusion. For any home that is certified for Medicaid and/or Medicare, the Residents' Bill of Rights protects the right of conjugal visits unless otherwise ordered by a physician. Sometimes staff or administration feel uncomfortable about the subject of conjugal visits. You should approach the subject directly with them. Discussing it in advance will avoid unpleasant problems.

The Visit

Greetings usually involve some form of physical contact. You shake hands or hug or kiss. Nursing home residents are removed from family and friends who provide this sense of touch.

Think a moment about what the quality of your life would be if no one ever touched you except to bathe or toilet you. Touching tells us that we are accepted, human and desirable. Once in the room, make some form of physical contact unless it is absolutely inappropriate.

There are some special instances in which you may think visiting is pointless. Visiting is never pointless. If a resident is comatose, you should continue visiting. No one knows exactly what senses remain in a comatose person; however, we do know that hearing is the last sense to disappear.

Visit, announce yourself, and touch the comatose person as you always have. Then you can sit by the bedside and hold the resident's hand, stroke the forehead, or whatever is comfortable for you. You can even talk quietly since the resident may hear exactly what you are saying.

If a resident is dying, visits are needed more than ever. No one wants to die alone. Continue your pattern of touching. If you are uncomfortable visiting a dying resident, ask the charge nurse, director of nursing, or social worker if you can discuss the matter. They will either help you or find someone who can.

Visits Outside the Nursing Home

If you plan to take a resident out of the home, plan first with the resident. Then decide which of you will tell the staff so they can have medicines and special equipment ready. It is wise to give a week's notice if any special plans have to be made.

Visiting should be pleasant and enjoyable for both family or friend and nursing home resident. Plan ahead, be polite, remember to touch, and above all keep a good sense of humor. We all need to laugh and love.