| seniors-site | widowhood |
Be not like others, soon undone, who keep Long vigil by the silent dust and weep. For my sake turn again to life and smile, Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do Something to comfort weaker hearts than thine. Complete those dear unfinished tasks of mine, And I, perchance, may therein comfort you. --Anonymous |
Almost every Sunday for the past four years my wife and I have sat behind Jim and Mayple in church--what a lovely couple. Although Mayple was in a state of gradually losing it, Jim took such tender care. They were obviously very much in love, and then Jim called to announce that Mayple had died. How could he stand the pain?
During the funeral procession I looked at my wife and said, "I hope I go first." How could I cope with being a widower after 50 years of marriage? My wife looked at me and softly said, "I don't know how people endure the loss that makes them alone. I don't want to be a widow either." Then we began to discuss the various people who had recently gone through this experience and how they learned to cope.
Harry became a widower about a year ago. He joined a club of widows and widowers. Now he has remarried and seems very happy. George became a widower about two years ago--basically he dropped out of society. He appears to be still in the state of mourning, and also seems to be very unhappy. Sarah became a widow about three years ago. She has found herself in service to the community. Jane lost her husband about two years ago. She is still wearing black and acts very unhappy. As my wife and I thought over the people who had lost a mate, some simple truths became apparent.
It is not too popular in our secular world to speak about God, faith, and religion. The fantasy land of Mickey Mouse does not deal with such subjects--only good, clean family fun. But, in the real world, sorrow, separation, loneliness, and death are a part of living. Some who do not believe in God may solve their grief in other ways, but believers lean heavily on a God who cares and promises eternal life. The sun has set in the world of the widowed, but in the other world, on the other side, the sun is rising. In this thought, you are not alone.
Anger is a normal response when our life partner is taken. We ask "Why me?" And, it makes us angry and frustrated--as if we had lost a winning lottery ticket. It is particularly true that we will be angry if the loved one is lost through an accident or an act of violence. Then, if we are not careful, bitterness and hostility will drive away those who try to comfort us.
To feel guilty about the death of a spouse can be very painful. Yet, it is a common experience and normal. Who doesn't think of something he or she could have done differently. Often our partner has had a long period of sickness and suffering. Who can say and do everything perfectly at such a time. After he or she is gone, it is the most natural thing in the world to remember something we neglected. Guilt can be deadly and destroy peace of mind. We must absolve guilt, even if we are guilty. We must talk to a professional, a friend, or our God and get the guilt taken care of in order to have a satisfying life.
Ruth and John had a marital disagreement. Ruth screamed at John and told him she hated him. John took a shower, reached over to pick up a bar of soap, and dropped dead of a massive stroke. Now Ruth is trying to recover, but she is blocked with terrible feelings of guilt. She can't even remember what they quarreled about. If only....
Believe it or not, such circumstances are very common. Half the time in grief counseling the person left behind can point to some circumstance that they interpret as being the cause of death. A person can get over this kind of insidious guilt, but it takes a lot of help. Keep reminding yourself that words don't cause heart attacks or strokes. Remember that quarrels are inevitable between people who truly love each other. If your loved one could come back and speak to you, he or she would not blame you and would surely forgive you. Sometimes I think there is no substitute for a belief in a loving God who can pronounce the fiat of forgiveness to those who hurt from either false guilt or actual guilt.
Loneliness is another basic emotion that we must conquer. First of all, consider: "Why wouldn't I feel lonely? I just lost a companion that has been with me for X number of years." In the first days of our loss, lots of people call and express sympathy. Then again, we are so busy with notifying friends and taking care of the details of a death that we do not have time to feel lonely. Now, a couple of weeks have gone by, people have stopped calling, the relatives have gone home, and we are left in an empty house with an empty bed. One woman said, "When my husband was alive, I hated his snoring and made him go to the doctor to get cured. Now, I would give anything I have to get that snoring man back in bed with me." Yes, becoming a widow or widower makes us lonely. What can we do about it?
Keep busy. Fill your days with worthwhile stuff. Get involved in community affairs, volunteer to do charitable work, take a trip, associate with your family and friends, set goals and keep them.
Don't spend too much time day-dreaming, thinking of the past, or regurgitating the bad events of yesteryear. Fill your mind with worthwhile stuff and order your life to live for today, plan for the future, and forget the past. If your mind does take a stroll down memory lane, force it to remember those beautiful moments. Linger on lovely things; do not embrace those traumas that hurt you. Most bad things have already taken their pound of flesh; don't give them any more. Fill your mind with thoughts of happiness, contentment, good health, and bright hope.
Count your blessings, not your troubles. Instead of saying, "I miss him or her so much," say, "I had him or her for X number of years. Most of the time, it was heaven on earth--how lucky can I get." Again I find a religious response helpful; "My husband or wife is in heaven, where life is more beautiful than life on earth; when my time comes, I will go to the eternal world and meet him or her. Until that time, I will try to live my life as if I were already in the heavenly condition."
Create happiness for others. Laugh, sing, joke, encourage others, be positive. Make yourself a joy to be around because you are lifting the other people to a higher level. Involve yourself in the task of making other people happy and lo and behold you have made yourself happy, useful, and contented.
When the full impact of the death sets in, we begin to realize that our lost mate will not return. Despair, depression, and guilt make us feel irrational and sometimes irritable. The tendency is to shun offers of comfort and support, to focus on memories of our lost spouse, or, to become angry at being left. All this and more is the process of learning to live with our loss. This process of grief will continue on a diminishing scale until we gradually come to the time of acceptance. Bereavement takes time and effort to heal. If we don't put some effort into the healing process, we may lengthen the time of grief and suffering until the possibility of permanent damage to our system will loom above us.
We seek for the time of acceptance and the beginnings of a new life. It can't be rushed, but neither can it be delayed too long. At this time of grief leading to acceptance, alcohol may represent a special risk. If you are emotionally upset or tired, a couple of drinks will make matters worse, not better. Here is also the time when many people find themselves looking forward to the next pill. It is quite easy to become hooked on prescription drugs, and it is not easy to undo the damage.
Another common thing for men and women who have lost their marriage partner is to continue to see, feel, and sometimes touch the one who has died. To see ghosts and sometimes talking to them is a very scary experience. When it happens (and it often does) it is easy to believe that we are going crazy. It is the opinion of many who have studied the field that the dead whom we have loved do not really leave us. In some fashion, to some people, the dead continue as faithful companions, sustaining and inspiring us. We often meet them in some familiar place, perhaps as a reminder of the coming resurrection. It is a part of the daily mystery, beauty, and excitement of life. There is no need to have fear of the ghost of a loved one--he or she did not hurt you during life and he or she won't hurt you during death.
It is quite normal to harbor some very angry feelings about the death of a wife or husband. Of course, anger will turn to guilt and the guilt will make us think we have gone crazy. It is especially true that anger and guilt will possess a person if the spouse committed suicide. In fact, a person may become so overwhelmed that he or she may require professional intervention. This is particularly true if we start harboring suicidal thoughts or impulses.
In the book Survival Handbook for Widows by Ruth Jean Loewinsohn, she says that a time comes when we must say goodbye. She suggests that we make a list of ten virtues of the husband or wife who has gone before. Then make a list of ten things you disliked or did not respect. It may be hard, but you will soon recognize that your spouse was a real person with real faults and real virtues, who is now dead. And, you must go on--sanely.
My wife's mother died when she was 96. She had lived for 20 years without her husband. One time she complained that she had dreamed that someone had tried to rape her. She was such a virtuous woman that she could not express the sexual need for her husband, and so it came out in her dream world. Often for a widowed person there can be a conflict between societal taboos and his or her personal needs. If you are thinking about getting another partner, you may want to consider just where sex fits into the picture.
Some brief rules following your grief:
Usually it is not recommended that a person spend much time alone when he or she is suffering grief. Swap chores with friends, neighbors, and relatives and keep yourself involved with people. Long hours alone will simply aggravate the tendency to be ill with grief.
The best time to show respect and love for one's spouse is while that spouse is living. I have had a more rewarding and fruitful life than I probably deserve, for which I am grateful. But the day I die, my last thought will be regret that I shall leave you alone. If three days, or three months after I've gone, you find someone who will love you and cherish you for a few years as I have for so many--go for it.
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Nothing can prepare you for the shock and grief of widowhood. One of the myths of mourning is that is has an ending point. That if you just wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It doesn't. It requires working through the various phases of grief and eventually it gets better when one recognizes grief but no longer is paralyzed by it. However, there are those who have a spiritual outlook that lets them see the loss in a way that they can accept: part of life's plan or some greater purpose.